Slim Pickins’

Last night I decided to help a friend out with her online dating situation. She tried, but wasn’t happy with the experience so I agreed to give her a complete profile overhaul, as well as set her up on additional sites.

This morning I went to to check out her prospects. Maybe it’s our location (Central Valley, California) or maybe it’s just the kinds of men signing up, but whatever the reason I have to say… guys, I wasn’t impressed. While browsing through different profiles, these were the top offenders:

1. Profile photos should be of your FACE, not your abs or bicep, no matter how toned and defined they are. So the following photo is unacceptable, especially if your username is Zues. Calling yourself a god is not a turn on, it’s obnoxious. Which brings me to point #2.


Save it for after the third date, fella

2. Usernames should be a reflection of who you are, not a reflection of how you want to be seen. Especially if you want to be seen as a porn star. 8inchesthick, rockyourworld, and getnasty should NEVER be used, ever. Also, don’t under sell yourself either with names like nothingspecial or come off cheesy with looking4love and beyourman.

3. Freaking FILL YOUR PROFILE OUT. I read through so many empty profiles, I understood why my friend wanted to give up. Guys, don’t expect us to message you just because we like the photo of your six pack. We want to know something, anything, about you first. I actually saw answers like, “I have no idea,” “if you’re interested, message me,” “I don’t know what to say,” “I can’t be confined into different categories,” “I can’t summarize my life,” “if you wanna know just ask,” “ghgishg witsghertg (seriously just a bunch of random letters), and “I’m way too lazy to fill this out.” Hey, at least the last guy was honest.

4. If you actually take two seconds to fill it out, be honest and put some effort into it (like two seconds worth, at least, seriously). You want to stand out so don’t start your profile with, “I’m a laid-back, fun-loving guy.” EVERY profile starts that way. And don’t start, “I’m good at everything.” Be honest, but try and be specific too, so we get a sense of who you are and don’t lump you into the same category as everyone else. And please, get your mind out of the gutter (for two seconds, see, it’s not that long). If the question is, list five things you can’t live without, your list shouldn’t look as follows:

1. Sex 2. Sex 3. Sex 4. Sex 5. Sex

Most people like sex, so how about we just assume you do too, for now? Okay? Thanks.

5. Don’t be a Negative Nancy. You see how my post sounds like I’m a little annoyed? Yeah, try and avoid that. Also, try and avoid calling women crazy, bitchy, selfish, catty, fake, or completely demeaning them as in this profile:

I’m looking for a woman who:

  • Has all her teeth in her head
  • Doesn’t wonder why she’s being contacted on a dating site
  • Doesn’t use terms like Nm n U? Get an education
  • Has one photo and when you ask to see more, suddenly they have no other photos. What are you an immigrant in the late 1800’s? Pathetic
  • Do not ask me to send you money to some country in Africa. Find a day job
  • Doesn’t judge everything by numbers. Whether it be distance or age. Small and narrow minded basically
  • Doesn’t have more kids than the woman in the shoe

Okay, so while we all pretty much agree with his list, he didn’t need to actually put it on his profile. It makes him sound like an ass (a funny one, but still an ass). Instead of broadcasting what you don’t want, say what you do want and just ignore everyone else.

Phew! It felt good to get that off my chest. Now I think I need a glass of wine at 10am to get me through the next batch of profiles…


2 thoughts on “Slim Pickins’

  1. Great post! Another pet-peeve of mine are the guys who have an impossibly long list of what they think their match should be ie – ‘YOU: you are kind, beautiful, sexy, smart, a nature lover, curious about the world, educated, well-traveled, look good in an evening gown or jeans, humorous, well-read, physically fit…” On and on and on….it’s just too much!

    • Lol SO true! First of all, saying “you” is just creepy. How about trying “she” instead. And two, picky much? If I put, “You are more hilarious than Will Ferrell, sexier than Channing Tatum, whip up tastier food than Gordon Ramsey, croon better than Michael Buble’ and own more buildings than Donald Trump,” I don’t think I’d get many responses. Let’s try and keep it real, people. lol Thanks so much for commenting Tracey!

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