This morning I was browsing other online dating blogs and ran across Why Online Dating Sucks For Men. While the tone is somewhat jaded (though he admits it works in some cases, even his own), he made several good points and it got me thinking…
Is online dating really that different for the two genders? Do women have it made and men get screwed (and if they’re a good looking guy, literally)?
Here are a few of his points and then my take on the issue:
1. Men– if you don’t have game in “real life,” online dating won’t be any easier for you. I will concede that this statement is mostly true. If you don’t know how to flirt or charm in person, your emails will most likely come across boring or stale, and not get you a date. Although, there are some men who can master a beautifully written, charming and witty email while they have no power over spoken word. Generally speaking, women look for the same traits online that they do in real life, and at times are even MORE picky, holding a magnifying glass over your profile. The cases I think online dating HELPS men are such:
- Your social circle is small and you’re not a fan of meeting women in bars.
- You appreciate the organization behind online dating, seeing all your options on your screen, making initial contact through email, then arranging a date.
- You may see beautiful women on the street every day, but it’s not your style to approach someone randomly. Online dating seems less intimidating and more straightforward.
- You’re extremely afraid of rejection, and while you realize rejection is probably more likely and more frequent online, it can be a softer blow than face to face.
There are probably more, but you get the idea…
2. Women use online dating as an ego boost. While I hate to admit it, this statement has merit. Some women do see online dating as though they are a queen whose subjects prostate themselves before her and she gets to choose who lives and who dies (metaphorically speaking, of course). It’s not a pretty fact, but still true nonetheless. I’ve seen girls browse through their inobx while smirking smugly, pausing only to mock some poor soul’s “pathetic” attempt at a greeting. And while I have to note that online dating multiplies this opportunity for some women, those women would be horrible in “real life” too. Just as you could get rudely put down by a hottie in a bar, you could get ignored by a hottie online. The only difference is the setting.
3. The return on your investment is small. The post pointed out that most men will receive a very small number of responses compared to the number of emails they send out. Hence, the spamming trend, where men will send out a hundred of the same generic message to different women. While I can see the temptation to do this (it sucks to spend time writing an email, then never receive a response), my whole-hearted advice is DO NOT SPAM. Most women will NEVER respond to a spam message, even if there was a slight chance they might have written back otherwise. While it’s true that some women (as the post stated) will respond to a spam message if the sender is extremely good-looking, most quality women will not.
Conclusion: is there a difference? Yes. Is it striking? In my opinion, not as much as you’d think and here’s why:
- Women get rejected too. A friend of mine recently cancelled her match. com account because it was sabotaging her self esteem. Although she’s not Scarlett Johansen hot, she’s definitely cute, with a sweet personality. Instead of putting on her profile that she likes to “have a good time,” “laugh, giggle and play with puppies,” she put things like hiking, tennis, etc.– your cute girl next door. While her profile was viewed over a hundred times, she received less than a handful of emails. And it crushed her. She didn’t have the sexy (AKA easy to get in her pants) vibe that most of the men were looking for. Now, of course she could tweak her profile and probably see better results, but she retreated from the website because she felt defeated.
- While men don’t like having their emails ignored, women hate being spammed. Most women I know, including myself, do not consider spam messages like “hey” and “ur hot” as a compliment. We know that the guy probably sent the same message to every other girl on the site. Most (I say most, not all) women do not get an ego boost from spam.
- Online dating changes the rules. It’s become more customary for men to wait to be approached by women on online dating sites. This is especially true on sites that use matching “algorithms” because in some cases, if a woman doesn’t message the man, she may never show up in his matches so he can take the lead.
- Men are just as likely to fib on their profiles as women. While some women only post face shots, or claim to have an “athletic” body type instead of “curvy” or “a few extra pounds,” men will also lie about their height, weight and income. And while I’ve heard many times that online dating is inferior to “real life” dating because people lie, I often respond with, “You think people don’t lie in person either?” Sure, maybe they can’t lie about their height or weight as easily, but they can lie about income, beliefs, morals, tastes, preferences, skills, and on and on.
IN THE END, the post made the point that you shouldn’t rely on online dating as your only source of finding love… and I agree. While I advocate online dating (or at least trying it) in most cases (and it worked for me), I also tell people that just because they are online doesn’t mean they should rule out meeting people the “old fashioned” way. Be open to people around you and think of online dating as just another way to put yourself out there… because you never know. 😉