This Profile is Too Small. This Profile is Too Big. This Profile is Juuuust Right.

Stereotypically, women tend to over-share. This charming quality is often only magnified  in the online dating world. A whole profile to talk about me?! Yippie! We write about our jobs, our hobbies, exes, even the dream we had last night.

Then there’s the anomaly– my friend J, whose profile was so sparse you might not have even realized she had one. Well, she might as well have not had one. She came to me the other day wondering why her profile has been up for over a month, but she’s only received a few messages. So I took a look, and here’s the “life lesson” I gave:

FILL OUT YOUR PROFILE

Sure, if you look like Kate Upton, you can probably get away with posting pics only. Heck, you could probably get away with posting that you like to bathe in the blood of newborn puppies. But if you’re the rest of us, less isn’t always more. Then again, more isn’t always more either.

Don’t try to copy this pose and make it your profile pic… just don’t.

So here’s the trick: fill out your profile enough so it looks like you give a damn, but don’t go so overboard that you creep everyone out. We DO want to know if you prefer quiet evenings at home over sky diving, but we DON’T want to know the name of your gynecologist.

Bonus tip: don’t assume your profile is set in stone. If you do fill it out, but your inbox is dwindling after a month or two, don’t be afraid to revamp! Freshen things up and you might be pleasantly surprised. And by “freshen things up,” I don’t mean trade out your photo with a snapshot of Kate Upton. Spice things up, just keep it real.

Slim Pickins’

Last night I decided to help a friend out with her online dating situation. She tried match.com, but wasn’t happy with the experience so I agreed to give her a complete profile overhaul, as well as set her up on additional sites.

This morning I went to OKcupid.com to check out her prospects. Maybe it’s our location (Central Valley, California) or maybe it’s just the kinds of men signing up, but whatever the reason I have to say… guys, I wasn’t impressed. While browsing through different profiles, these were the top offenders:

1. Profile photos should be of your FACE, not your abs or bicep, no matter how toned and defined they are. So the following photo is unacceptable, especially if your username is Zues. Calling yourself a god is not a turn on, it’s obnoxious. Which brings me to point #2.

Save it for after the third date, fella

2. Usernames should be a reflection of who you are, not a reflection of how you want to be seen. Especially if you want to be seen as a porn star. 8inchesthick, rockyourworld, and getnasty should NEVER be used, ever. Also, don’t under sell yourself either with names like nothingspecial or come off cheesy with looking4love and beyourman.

3. Freaking FILL YOUR PROFILE OUT. I read through so many empty profiles, I understood why my friend wanted to give up. Guys, don’t expect us to message you just because we like the photo of your six pack. We want to know something, anything, about you first. I actually saw answers like, “I have no idea,” “if you’re interested, message me,” “I don’t know what to say,” “I can’t be confined into different categories,” “I can’t summarize my life,” “if you wanna know just ask,” “ghgishg witsghertg (seriously just a bunch of random letters), and “I’m way too lazy to fill this out.” Hey, at least the last guy was honest.

4. If you actually take two seconds to fill it out, be honest and put some effort into it (like two seconds worth, at least, seriously). You want to stand out so don’t start your profile with, “I’m a laid-back, fun-loving guy.” EVERY profile starts that way. And don’t start, “I’m good at everything.” Be honest, but try and be specific too, so we get a sense of who you are and don’t lump you into the same category as everyone else. And please, get your mind out of the gutter (for two seconds, see, it’s not that long). If the question is, list five things you can’t live without, your list shouldn’t look as follows:

1. Sex 2. Sex 3. Sex 4. Sex 5. Sex

Most people like sex, so how about we just assume you do too, for now? Okay? Thanks.

5. Don’t be a Negative Nancy. You see how my post sounds like I’m a little annoyed? Yeah, try and avoid that. Also, try and avoid calling women crazy, bitchy, selfish, catty, fake, or completely demeaning them as in this profile:

I’m looking for a woman who:

• Has all her teeth in her head
• Doesn’t wonder why she’s being contacted on a dating site
• Doesn’t use terms like Nm n U? Get an education
• Has one photo and when you ask to see more, suddenly they have no other photos. What are you an immigrant in the late 1800’s? Pathetic
• Do not ask me to send you money to some country in Africa. Find a day job
• Doesn’t judge everything by numbers. Whether it be distance or age. Small and narrow minded basically
• Doesn’t have more kids than the woman in the shoe

Okay, so while we all pretty much agree with his list, he didn’t need to actually put it on his profile. It makes him sound like an ass (a funny one, but still an ass). Instead of broadcasting what you don’t want, say what you do want and just ignore everyone else.

Phew! It felt good to get that off my chest. Now I think I need a glass of wine at 10am to get me through the next batch of profiles…